Stop Shoulding on Yourself; It's Messy

Shoulding on yourself is like actually remembering your umbrella, actually dressing for the rain, and still saying, "I should have bought a bigger umbrella."

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly under a barrage of internal demands? "I should be more productive," "I should have said something different," "I should never have trusted them," "I should look a certain way." This relentless stream of "shoulds" can leave you feeling drained, anxious, and utterly inadequate. Welcome to the messy world of "shoulding" on yourself.

The Messy Reality of "Shoulding"

"Shoulding" is the act of imposing rigid expectations on yourself, often fueled by societal pressures, past experiences, or deeply ingrained beliefs. It's that nagging voice that tells you you're not good enough, not doing enough, or not being the person you "should" be. This relentless self-criticism leads to a tangled web of guilt, shame, and self-doubt.

Examples of "Shoulding":

• Productivity "Shoulds": "I should be working more hours." "I should be more efficient." This leads to burnout and a constant feeling of never being enough.

• Appearance "Shoulds": "I should be thinner." "I should look younger." These "shoulds" breed body image issues and self-loathing.

• Social "Shoulds": "I should be more outgoing." "I should always say the right thing." This creates social anxiety and fear of judgment.

• Emotional "Shoulds": "I shouldn't feel this way." "I should be stronger." This leads to emotional suppression and invalidation.

The IFS Perspective: Understanding Your Inner Critics

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, these critical voices are seen as "parts" of your internal system. They're not inherently bad; in fact, they often have positive intentions. They're protectors, trying to shield you from perceived threats.

• The Protector's Role: These parts, often called "managers" or "critics," have developed their critical scripts to try to keep you safe from perceived dangers such as rejection, failure, or shame. For example, a part that says "You should always be perfect" might be trying to protect you from the pain of criticism.

• The Fear Behind the Critic: Underneath the harsh criticism lies fear. These parts are afraid that if you don't meet their standards, you'll be hurt. Their methods, while often harsh, stem from a desire to protect you.

• The Wounded Inner Child (Exiles): The parts that are being protected are often the wounded inner children, or "exiles." These parts hold the pain and trauma from past experiences. The protectors try to keep these exiles locked away to prevent them from overwhelming you.

• The Self: IFS emphasizes the presence of a core "Self" that is compassionate, wise, and inherently good. This Self is the natural leader of your internal system. The goal is to help your parts trust the Self so they can relax their protective roles.

Breaking the Cycle: Strategies for Self-Compassion

1. Recognize the "Shoulds": Start by noticing when you're "shoulding" on yourself. Pay attention to the language you use in your thoughts.

2. Befriend Your Inner Critic: Instead of fighting or suppressing your critical parts, try to understand them. Ask them:

   • "What are you trying to protect me from?"

   • "What are you afraid will happen if I don't meet these 'shoulds'?"

   • "What are your positive intentions?"

3. Unburden the Critic: With understanding comes compassion. Once you've heard their fears, offer reassurance and express gratitude for their protective efforts. Gently inform them that their current approach is causing you pain, and remind them that you've grown and are now capable of protecting yourself in ways you couldn't before. This process helps your internal system evolve.

4. Connect with Your Self: Access your Self by practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, or meditation. The Self is characterized by qualities like compassion, curiosity, and calmness.

5. Heal Your Exiles: With the Self as your guide, gently approach your wounded inner child parts. Offer them compassion, validation, and healing.

6. Rewrite the Script: Replace the "shoulds" with more compassionate and realistic self-talk. For example, instead of "I should be perfect," try "I'm doing my best, and that's enough."

7. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend.

Example of an IFS approach:

You notice the "Should" "I should have handled that meeting better."

• Recognize: "Ah, there's my inner critic again."

• Befriend: "Hello critic, what are you trying to protect me from?" The critic responds "From being seen as incompetent, and then being rejected."

• Unburden: "I understand, thank you for trying to protect me. I know you are afraid, but I am safe. I appreciate you."

• Self: "I know that I did my best, and I can learn from this experience."

• Rewrite: "Next time I will prepare a little more. I am always learning."

The Messy Journey to Self-Acceptance

Breaking the cycle of "shoulding" is a messy, ongoing process. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore your inner world. But as you learn to befriend your inner critics and connect with your Self, you'll find greater peace, joy, and authenticity.

Remember, you are enough, just as you are. Stop "shoulding" on yourself; embrace the messy, beautiful reality of being human.