Speaking For Your Emotions, Not From Them: An IFS Perspective

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful model for understanding our inner world. It suggests we all have various "parts" – internal sub-personalities – each with its own feelings, thoughts, and motivations. These parts aren't inherently good or bad; they're simply trying to protect us in their own way. A core concept in IFS is the distinction between speaking for our emotions and speaking from them. Understanding this difference can significantly improve our communication, relationships, and overall well-being.

Speaking from your emotions means being blended with a part. You're essentially overtaken by its feelings, and your actions and words are driven by that specific part's emotional state. You're reacting impulsively, without much conscious awareness or choice. Think of it like being on autopilot, with the reactive part at the wheel.

Speaking for your emotions, on the other hand, involves acknowledging and expressing your parts' feelings from a place of Self. The "Self" in IFS represents your core essence – a place of compassion, curiosity, calmness, and wisdom. When you speak for your emotions, you're aware of the different parts within you and can choose how to express their needs and feelings. You're observing the emotional landscape without being swept away by it. You're the driver, not the passenger.

The key difference lies in self-awareness and self-leadership. Speaking for your emotions allows you to honor and validate your parts without being controlled by them. It allows for a more thoughtful and intentional response, rather than a knee-jerk reaction.

Here are a few examples to illustrate the difference:

Example 1: Dealing with Frustration

• Speaking from frustration:  "You always interrupt me! You never listen! I'm so sick of this!" (This is the frustrated part speaking, likely leading to defensiveness and escalation.)

• Speaking for frustration: "I'm noticing a part of me that feels really frustrated right now. It's feeling unheard and like its opinion doesn't matter. I understand that part's frustration, and I'd like to understand what it needs." (This acknowledges the frustrated part without blaming or attacking. It opens the door for a more constructive conversation.)

Example 2: Handling Disappointment

• Speaking from disappointment:  "I can't believe you did that! You've ruined everything! I'm so disappointed in you!" (This is the disappointed part lashing out, potentially causing hurt and resentment.)

• Speaking for disappointment: "A part of me is feeling really disappointed right now. It had hoped for a different outcome, and it's feeling sad about that. I want to acknowledge that disappointment and see what it needs to heal." (This acknowledges the disappointment without judgment or blame. It creates space for self-compassion and understanding.)

Example 3: Expressing Fear

• Speaking from fear: "I can't do this! It's too scary! I'm going to fail!" (This is the fearful part taking over, potentially preventing the person from even trying.)

• Speaking for fear: "I'm noticing a part of me that's feeling really scared right now about this upcoming presentation. It's worried about making mistakes and being judged. I want to thank that part for trying to protect me, and I want to reassure it that I'll be okay." (This acknowledges the fear without letting it dictate the action. It allows for a more balanced perspective and the possibility of moving forward despite the fear.)

Learning to speak for your emotions takes practice. It requires developing self-awareness and cultivating your Self-energy. IFS therapy provides tools and techniques to help you identify your parts, understand their motivations, and access your Self. By shifting from reacting to responding, you can create more fulfilling relationships, manage difficult emotions more effectively, and live a more authentic and integrated life.