Building and Maintaining Adult Friendships: Mel Robbins' 3 Pillars of Friendship

"[As adulthood sets in], the rules change and what I call the great scattering happens. Everybody moves in different directions. And friendship goes from group sport to individual sport." -- Mel Robbins

In her book, "The Let Them Theory," Mel Robbins outlines three key pillars that underpin strong friendships: proximity, timing, and energy. These pillars offer valuable insights into both forming new connections and nurturing existing ones.

1. Proximity: The Power of Physical Presence

When we were children, friendship formation was almost effortless. School, extracurricular activities, and neighborhood playdates provided constant opportunities for interaction. Proximity played a significant role – we were naturally surrounded by our peers.

However, as adults, our lives become more geographically dispersed. We move for work, pursue different interests, and our social circles naturally evolve. This can make it more challenging to cultivate close friendships.

To combat this, consider:

• Joining clubs or groups: This brings you into contact with people who share your interests.

• Volunteering: It's a fantastic way to meet like-minded individuals while contributing to your community.

• Hosting gatherings: Inviting friends over for dinner or game nights can strengthen existing bonds and create opportunities for new connections.

2. Timing: The Ebb and Flow of Friendship

Adult friendships are rarely static. Life transitions – career changes, marriage, parenthood, and even relocation – can significantly impact the dynamics of our social circles.

• Accepting change: It's crucial to acknowledge that the nature of our friendships will evolve over time. Some friendships may fade, while others may deepen.

• Prioritizing meaningful connections: Focus on nurturing the friendships that bring you joy and fulfillment.

• Re-evaluating relationships: Periodically assess your friendships. Are they mutually beneficial and supportive?

3. Energy: Protecting Your Emotional and Mental Resources

Mel Robbins emphasizes the importance of valuing your time and energy. Adult life is often filled with demands, making it essential to protect your emotional and mental resources.

• "Let Them" Go: Release the need to control or fix your friends' problems.

• "Let Me" Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your needs and expectations within your friendships.

• "Let Me" Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that recharge you, such as spending time in nature, pursuing hobbies, or simply relaxing.

Why Adult Friendships Can Be More Challenging

Mel Robbins has frequently discussed on podcasts the unique challenges of maintaining adult friendships compared to childhood ones.

• Competing demands: Adult life is often filled with competing demands – work, family, and other responsibilities – leaving less time and energy for social interaction.

• Life transitions: As mentioned earlier, major life events can significantly impact the dynamics of our friendships.

• The need for conscious effort: Unlike childhood friendships, which often develop organically, adult friendships require more conscious effort and intentionality.

By understanding these three pillars – proximity, timing, and energy – and applying the principles of "Let Them" and "Let Me," you can cultivate meaningful and fulfilling friendships that enrich your life.